Confronted by a frightening void in holiday inspiration

It's entirely possible that I'm a celebraphobe.

Yes, I just made that word up, but it's the only way I can think of to describe how holidays have a perplexing way of rolling around, not at all unexpectedly, only to find me befuddled as to how to observe them.

At some points in the year, this pathetic state has achieved virtual tradition status. New Year's Eve nearly always dawns without our having made a plan to commemorate the exit of the old and the arrival of the new.

And it happens in late October as well. So it is that, once again, I find myself entirely lacking a Halloween costume clue.

Other people seem to be quite good at this. They come up with clever, appealing, fun ways to dress up for this most lighthearted of holidays -- and let's face it, the calendar doesn't yield a lot of days more fun than this one. These folks make it look easy. They sort of annoy me in that way.

It's not as though everyday life doesn't offer possibilities. There are plenty of frightful folks splashed across the front page of the morning paper every day to trigger the imagination, for one thing. Although she doesn't make headlines every day anymore, that woman who bore eight babies last January is a no-brainer, if you can find that many itty-bitty pitiable dolls. And recently, balloon boy, as sad a story as that was at its core, provided easy fodder for a holiday alter ego. A roll of aluminum foil, maybe some of that faux vomit, and you're good to go.

There are other ways to tap the current and ongoing news cycles for ideas, of course. One can take a cue from the dance of the seven veils, substituting play money for those diaphanous bits of fabric, shedding them steadily throughout the evening, to be a 401(k).

There's also the flu virus as a possibility - any vague blob getup would probably do. Or you could just not show up at all, as the H1N1 vaccine.

If there's a way to tuck a stink bomb beneath the tongue and still function, you could impersonate any of the high-visibility talk radio hosts or television news personalities who make their millions spewing vitriol. Kind of puts the fun in function, eh?

Beyond that, I'm drawing a mental block in the holiday wardrobe quadrant. I fear this bespeaks a sad, sad intellectual gap that cannot entirely be blamed on middle age (to say nothing of an obsession with current events that is probably not all that healthy). Sure, some people appear to be blessed with a double dose of the creative gene, but one would think at least a smidge would be doled out to the rest of us.

It's really kind of scary.

Contact Susan Frick Carlman at scarlman@scn1.com or 630-416-5260.