Bill Clinton would be the latest on a list of male first-timers

If Hillary Clinton becomes president, then Bill will become the first man. In fact, he'll be the first first man. It will be his job to entertain and meet the spouses of other world leaders, those spouses being mostly women. He'll entertain wives of prime ministers, presidents, kings, and even dictators and ambassadors from all corners of the world.

This will be like going to a cultural smorgasbord of cuties for Slick Willie. Hillary's first order may be a vasectomy for her husband, or at least a requirement that he take five cold showers a day. I think she should leave all the entertaining of female guests to daughter Chelsea. Give Bill the job of polishing the White House silverware, tending to the Rose Garden, painting Camp David, or serving as ambassador of Umpaloompaland - that far-off country of tiny, orange-faced men. And unless Bill pulls a "Brokeback" on Hillary, he should be as celibate as a cloistered monk there.

Bill's interns should all be old Jewish men who can talk for hours about their prostates, irregularity, the Korean War and medical procedures they've had done. They will all know of only one use for a cigar. And if the White House is legally bound to hire women due to sexual discrimination laws, Bill's interns should be Janet Reno, Linda Tripp and Bea Arthur. Having them as interns should cut Bill's daily cold showers in half.

It's going to be difficult for the former president to be the first first man. It's always a challenge for any man to be the first to do anything.

Adam was the first man in the Garden of Eden. Life was good. He lived off the land. He was one with nature. Then one day he woke up with a rib missing and a woman with a "honey-do" list: "Clean up the garden, it's a pigsty! Pick some apples, and put on a fig leaf, for heaven's sake! No wonder nobody ever comes over!"

The first man on the moon was Neil Armstrong. The first man to be mooned was Trevor Potter of Richmond, Va., on June 12, 1779, by his neighbor, Samuel Griffin. Griffin was protesting Trevor's pit bull using his lawn as a toilet. Later that year, Griffin was the first man to have a pit bull surgically removed from his derriere.

The first man to fly a motorized plane was Orville Wright in Kitty Hawk, N.C. He was also the first man to have his luggage lost. Even though the flight lasted only minutes, somehow his luggage went on to Scranton, Pa.

The first vasectomy outpatient service was opened on Oct. 3, 1969, by the Margaret Sanger Research Bureau in New York City. The first patient was Sanger's husband and the father of their eight children, Larry "The Sperminator" Sanger. The procedure was done by Mrs. Sanger, took 12 minutes, and involved a cork screw.

The first woman army officer was Florence Aby Blanchfield. The first man to dress like a woman to get out of the army was Private Felix "Fishnets" Rotundo of Port St. Lucie, Fla., in 1943. He tried to go AWOL as a USO showgirl. Apparently Rotundo had Betty Grable's legs; unfortunately he also had Clark Gable's moustache.

The first male congressman to marry a female member of Congress was Andrew Jacobs Jr. He married Martha Elizabeth Keys on Jan. 3, 1976. Ironically they did to each other on their honeymoon what Congress has been doing to us for years.

Reach Dave Sinker, a longtime Naperville resident and owner of the Comedy Shrine in downtown Naperville, at davidsinker@yahoo.com.