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Isolation ranks as major factor in teen-ager suicides

 JOLIET — When it comes to suicide, Sister Mary Frances Seeley has heard it all.

  There's the true story of a group of teens who followed their two friends to the top of the tallest building in the city without telling an adult what was happening until it was too late.

  Then, there's the mother who, during an argument, encouraged her daughter to kill herself.

  Seeley travels the world talking about suicide prevention and the need for crisis lines.

  Seeley, founder of the Crisis Line of Will County and president and chief executive officer of Crisis Line International, believes today's teens need some type of spiritual connection to help them stay alive.

  "They need something to aspire to — whether it's religious values, family values, biblical tradition ... something outside or higher than themselves that they can aspire to," Seeley said.

  Values, such as honesty, service to others, justice, fairness, acceptance, charity and unconditional love are important to give to children as anchors to hold onto during tough times, Seeley said.

  "Kids are killing themselves primarily because of isolation. They feel they have nobody they can go to. They have nobody they can trust. That's where unconditional love comes in. Kids should feel they can always come to you," Seeley said. "We have kids die by suicide because they have never been told this in their lives.

  "What anchors do they have? Do they have family support? It could be an aunt, a teacher, a counselor," Seeley said. "Give kids self-assurance and values in life."

  One of the reasons teens die by suicide is because they dislike feeling hopeless and feel trapped by their depression, she said. They won't think rationally and will do something irrational to escape the bad feelings.

  Seeley recalls a 16-year-old girl who called a Crisis Line because she was pregnant. The girl said she couldn't tell her parents because she said they would kill her.

  Seeley asked the girl if her parents loved her. The girl said yes and eventually agreed to tell her parents.

  Children should have a sense that their parents will still love them even though they got a B, get pregnant or wrecked the car.

  "Unrealistic expectations are put on kids (telling them) they should not make a mistake," Seeley said. "Unconditional love is that you love them regardless what they do. It doesn't mean you agree with them all the time nor does it mean that you don't discipline them when necessary."

  Find something the child can be successful at and let kids explore their greatest potential, Seeley said. But don't live your life vicariously through your kids. If you wanted to be a ballerina, don't expect your child to fulfill your dreams - that is an unrealistic expectation.

  Don't push them to be the best. Teach them to make the best of a situation and that they will have disappointments in their lives, she said.

  Seeley also suggests taking children to funerals so they know what happens when one dies.

  "Teach your kids the permanence of death. We had a little boy who wanted a bicycle for his birthday and committed suicide. He told his neighbor that his 'parents will be sad so when I come back. I'll get my bike.'"

  In another case, there were four teen-agers, ages, 17-19, in New Jersey who committed suicide, but left a note that said when they come back they'll throw a party and have fun.

  "The coroner felt it was an accidental death because they didn't understand the permanency of death," Seeley said.

  Seeley said parents need to be careful about what they say under stress.

  "In Hong Kong, there was a 19-year-old girl who had an argument with her mother. She said, 'I'm just going to kill myself. The mom said, 'Fine, go ahead and do it.' The girl did jump out of the window. She was taken to the hospital and survived. During her time in the hospital, she said she did not want to live because of problems with her mother and even her mother supported her suicide," Seeley said.

  The mother was made to write an apology that was put in the newspapers along with photos. At the time, suicide rates were rising rapidly. Police used the apology as a punishment and as a lesson to other parents.

  Teens also have to be taught it's OK to tell a secret if someone is going to commit suicide.

  In Hong Kong, two 15-year-olds were upset because someone put graffiti on the wall that said they slept together. They were so ashamed that the boy and girl decided they would die together. They even asked where the tallest building was and were followed by a group of friends to the roof.

  The friends tried to talk them out of it. The couple agreed, but told their friends to leave them alone because they wanted to talk. As soon as the friends left, the couple jumped and died.

  "All their friends knew about it, but nobody told an adult," she said.

  Seeley believes teen suicide is on the rise because violence is being used as entertainment; it's embedded in their culture, from songs, television shows, music, movies to computer games.

  Those choices can desensitize a person toward death.

  "You are not shooting wooden ducks. You are shooting someone with a face. You are actually, enjoying shooting a person," Seeley said. "How do you separate entertainment from reality? Violence is too realistic."