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Denise Wilfinger speaks about her son's suicide and what people can do to prevent such tragedies

When Denise Wilfinger's 17-year-old son Mat died by suicide last year, she didn't want flowers. She wanted to save a life.

  She asked that memorials be sent to Plainfield High School in her son's name.

  "You don't hear much about teen suicide. I thought if there was some way to bring programs into the school system to start an awareness program for students or parents alike — any money we provided would be worth it, if we could save one life," she said.

  But before the money could be put to use, Plainfield High School was hit by another tragedy on Jan. 18 when a 16-year-old student took his life after being pursued by the police in connection with a snowmobile theft. The chase ended when he fatally shot himself inside a garage of his Plainfield Township home.

  Less than a month earlier, a 16-year-old Lockport boy jumped from bleachers at the football field at Joliet West High School and died from the fall.

  Each year almost 5,000 young people, ages 15 to 24, take their own lives, according to the National Mental Health Association.
 
  The rate of suicide has nearly tripled since 1960, making it the third-leading cause of death among youth.

  In 1999, youths committed 13.4 percent of the 29,199 suicides in the United States, according to the American Association of Suicidology.

Treating depression

  In the past year, about 200 teens have been admitted to the adolescent mental health unit at Provena Saint Joseph Medical Center and close to 90 percent of them are suffering from clinical depression, said Dr. Shyamsunder R. Chakilum, child and adolescent psychiatrist for Professional Health Associates Ltd., 200 N. Hammes Ave. in Joliet.

  "It's important for people to recognize and treat depression. It is the best way to prevent suicide," said Chakilum, who is on the medical staff for Provena Saint Joseph Medical Center.

  Treatment often involves short-term psychotherapy as well as medication, which can lead to improved functioning at school, with peers and at home with family.

  But Chakilum admits it's difficult to recognize teen-age depression, because many teens will deny they are sad to parents. Instead, they will show their depression by acting irritable.

  In Will County, six youths, ages 12 to 19, died by suicide in 2001. Five of them were males and one was a female. The youngest was a 12-year-old boy who hanged himself. Those numbers don't include Mat Wilfinger, a senior, who died by suicide on Valentine's Day in 2001 at his home in another county.

  "We shouldn't turn our heads and say it won't happen to me because it doesn't matter what type of background you come from or how much money you have, it can happen. Kids these days are under so much pressure," said Denise Wilfinger, who now lives in Michigan with her husband and daughter.

  "You don't hear about (suicide) on TV and virtually never in the paper. When they did an article on Mat after he died, there was no article on suicide prevention," Wilfinger said.

  Memorial monies totaling about $8,000 were sent to both Plainfield high schools to help prevent future tragedies in the memory of Mat.

  "I would do anything to save someone else from not having to go through what we have gone," Wilfinger said.

Steps to prevention

  Plainfield High School and Plainfield South High School social workers plan to start the Yellow Ribbon Suicide Prevention Program that some schools already have, including Lincoln-Way Central High School.

  While schools do teach suicide prevention in health classes and teachers are made aware of warning signs, parents tend to be left in the dark until it is too late. That's why some of the money was used to bring in an expert to talk to parents about teen stress and depression, said Cheryl Ricciardi, social worker at Plainfield South High School.

  Unfortunately, many parents don't learn about suicide until it has already happened and they attend support groups to talk to people who have experienced the same pain.

  But in Will County, there isn't a Survivors of Suicide support group, so grievers need to go to Aurora for help to deal with their questions.

  Mat's death shocked the students and teachers because he seemed to have it all.

  But Ricciardi, who holds support groups for students in school, knows some teens have a difficult time dealing with stress and often lean toward unhealthy habits, such as overeating, smoking, drinking and suicide.

  "He was popular, handsome ... a great kid who came from a wonderful, loving family," Ricciardi said.

Outstanding student

  Mat Wilfinger had a 5.3 grade point average out of 5.0, earned his varsity letter on the football team and was in the National Honor Society. He wanted to go to medical school.

  "He touched so many lives. He had so much to give. For this to happen, it was a total shock to everyone," Denise Wilfinger said.

  "One of his goals was to be valedictorian and he was so close. He was extremely bright — straight As," she said.

  But during Mat's senior year, his positive attitude changed, especially after his car was totaled in an accident, according to his mother.

  "He gave up. Nothing was important to him. He withdrew from the family, staying in his room and not wanting to do anything," Wilfinger said. "He had mood swings. ... He was tired all the time. He didn't want to go to school and he was depressed."

  To help him, Wilfinger took Mat to a psychologist, who he saw for almost a year.

  "I knew Mat was having problems and had mentioned suicide to friends. I had talked to him about it and also discussed it with his psychologist. Problem was, Mat was too smart for his own good. He never really opened up to any of us so that we could help him," she said.

  "I thought he would outgrow it after he graduated. When you talk to your friends, they would say, 'Don't worry. He is just going through a stage.' He wasn't going through a stage. He was bad off," Wilfinger said.

Questions remain

  At one point, Ricciardi had asked if she should talk to Mat, but Wilfinger said no because Mat was already in counseling.

  "When I asked Mat if he felt we should seek other counselors, he told me, no, he didn't think so," she said. "I shouldn't have asked and (I should have) started calling other people."

  Now, she thinks she should have found someone who specialized in depression.

  "I didn't push the issue. It's something I didn't think would happen and I didn't know enough about (suicide)," she said.

  "The more help available and publicized would really make a big difference and parents would know about it," she said. "From what I know now, he probably could have been diagnosed and possibly could have been put on medication to help."

  Denise Wilfinger is still trying to figure out why Mat died by suicide.

  "I've only pieced together bits and pieces. He seemed to be improving. He had a new attitude. He had a new girlfriend. Things were looking up," she said. "The night before, he and his girlfriend went shopping, laughing and had a good time. I didn't know he and his newest girlfriend had a fight and it stemmed from the girlfriend who broke up with him six months prior.

  "From the things I pieced together, they had a misunderstanding. I never knew that until after his death. He was dressed up for Valentine's Day and he had his roses. He seemed quiet that day, but nothing unusual for 6 a.m.," Wilfinger said.

  "The last thing he said was, 'What time do you plan to be home?' I planned to be home early ... by the time I came home it was all said and done. He knew the timing of everybody's schedule."

Advice to parents

  Wilfinger advises parents not to keep their children's depression to themselves.

  "Make sure you talk about it and get more than one person's advice," she said. "You should start with the school social worker." Wilfinger tells parents not to give up and "to have a good understanding of what could possibly be going on and take steps to fix it.

  "I can't say it would ever be fixed, but at least deep down you know you did everything you could do," Wilfinger said. "I know a lot of parents will always second guess themselves and blame themselves.

  "I wonder if I had done everything I possibly could have done. I want to say yes; I want to say no. I was ignorant and I didn't know any better."